“When are you going to have a baby?” A common question, often asked with innocent curiosity. But for many struggling with infertility, it can be a painful reminder of the uncertainty they face. In the UK, 1 in 7 couples experience infertility, turning what’s often taken for granted into a source of grief and frustration.
For those facing infertility, the desire for children is deeply personal, and in South Asian cultures, where family and motherhood are central, this struggle can feel even more isolating.
Women often bear the brunt of infertility, even when male infertility is the issue, and they’re left grappling with feelings of shame, failure, and societal pressure.
As a friend or family member, understanding how to support someone on this difficult journey is crucial. Below are some helpful dos and don’ts when it comes to offering support.
Dos
- Do your research: Understanding infertility, its emotional and physical toll, and the treatments available can help you be more empathetic. It touches every aspect of life – finances, career, relationships, and self-esteem. Read up on what IVF involves, the emotional rollercoaster it creates, and the potential outcomes. This will give you more confidence to offer thoughtful support or advice if asked.
- Respect privacy: If someone chooses to confide in you, value their trust. Fertility issues are deeply personal, and many couples keep these struggles private to avoid judgment or gossip. Always respect their decision if they aren’t ready to share everything.
- Be supportive: Infertility often leads to feelings of isolation, anxiety, and depression. Simply offering a listening ear or sharing similar stories of struggle can help. A supportive network can make a huge difference, especially when others shy away from difficult conversations.
- Follow their lead: Some couples are open about their infertility journey, while others are more private. Ask how you can best support them, and don’t push them to share more than they’re comfortable with.
- Acknowledge the struggle: Avoiding conversations about infertility or pregnancy-related topics to “spare their feelings” can actually make things worse. Ignoring the issue may lead them to believe you don’t care. Acknowledge their challenges, but approach these conversations with care and sensitivity.
- Be mindful of pregnancy news: If you’re pregnant or attending a baby shower, be aware that these moments can trigger painful emotions for someone dealing with infertility. They may turn down invitations—not out of ill will, but because it reminds them of their loss. Be honest and sensitive when sharing your good news, and let them decide how to engage.
- Look out for them socially: If conversations at a gathering become uncomfortable, help steer the topic away from infertility. A subtle shift in the conversation can show your thoughtfulness and prevent awkward moments.
- Support during secondary infertility: Just because someone already has a child doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling with the pain of wanting more children. Telling them to be grateful for the child they already have can feel invalidating. Balancing gratitude with the grief of not having more children can foster deep emotional turmoil.
- Suggest support groups: Connecting with others who have similar experiences can help alleviate the loneliness that comes with infertility. Recommend support groups like Fertility Network UK or Fertility Friends. For those from South Asian communities, consider groups like Himmat Collective or the Asian Miscarriage Hub.
- Encourage healthy lifestyle changes: Support your friend in staying healthy, which is vital for optimizing fertility. Offer to join them in activities that reduce stress, whether it’s yoga, walking, or simply taking time to relax together.
- Respect their decisions: Fertility treatments can be physically and emotionally exhausting, and some couples may choose to stop trying. Respect their decision without judgment. Trying to persuade them otherwise can deepen feelings of failure and guilt.
- Fertility in the workplace: If you’re a colleague or employer, consider whether your workplace has adequate support for those undergoing fertility treatment. Awareness and accommodations, such as flexible working arrangements, can make a significant difference.
Don’ts
- Don’t ask when they’re having children: It might seem like a casual or harmless question, but you don’t know the struggles someone may be facing. Older generations, especially in South Asian cultures, often ask this question without considering the pain it might cause. Instead, shift the conversation to other topics if necessary.
- Don’t pry: If someone doesn’t want to share details about their infertility, respect that. Give them the space to open up on their own terms.
- Don’t make assumptions: Infertility is often wrongly assumed to be a woman’s issue, when in reality, up to 50% of cases are due to male factors. Don’t ask who’s “to blame” or make offhand comments that reinforce blame or guilt within the couple.
- Avoid insensitive comments: Comments like “maybe it wasn’t meant to be” or “you’re lucky you can enjoy your freedom without kids” can be hurtful. Even if meant well, such remarks can diminish the pain of those struggling to conceive. Instead, offer a simple acknowledgment of their feelings and express your support.
- Don’t minimise their pain: Whether someone is going through infertility treatments or has experienced a miscarriage, never minimise their grief. Statements like “at least it wasn’t too far along” or “you’ll have another baby” can feel dismissive. Instead, acknowledge their loss with compassion.
- Avoid comparisons: Every infertility journey is different. What worked for someone else may not work for them. Don’t force your suggestions or assume their experience will follow the same path as someone else’s.
- Don’t impose personal beliefs: Infertility is a deeply emotional and sometimes spiritual experience. Be mindful of their personal, cultural, or religious beliefs and avoid imposing your own. Respect how they choose to cope with their situation, whether through faith, community, or other means.
- Don’t exclude men: Infertility affects men too, but societal myths about male fertility often leave men out of the conversation. Encourage men to seek support, whether through resources like HIMfertility or simply by being part of the discussion.
- Leave medical advice to experts: Fertility treatments are complex, and well-meaning suggestions can sometimes do more harm than good. Herbal remedies or alternative treatments can interfere with fertility medications. Leave the medical decisions to professionals and focus on emotional support.
Infertility is an emotionally charged journey that can be made harder by the stigma and cultural pressures often placed on couples, especially in South Asian communities. The expectations surrounding motherhood are deeply ingrained, but attitudes can shift with increased awareness and sensitivity. By offering support, understanding, and compassion, we can help lighten the load for those navigating this difficult path.
Pawan is a dedicated IVF Fertility and Community Pharmacist with a deep passion for helping families on their fertility journeys.
