Why Do People Assume…

I’ve often felt like the black sheep in my family, the misfit, the odd one out. For several reasons.

This feeling is often heightened by the elephant in the room. I’m over 30, unmarried and no children. In many cultures including my own, that means I’m over the shelf, on the shelf, whatever. You know what I think, rip that bloody shelf off the walls and burn it. Alongside all those nonsense expectations that are put on me and every other woman. 

Why do people assume their version of happy for you is the right version?

These versions of happy, in my experience, my idea of it and others, have never matched up. If someone wanted you to be happy, would that not entail accepting you exactly as you are? Surely that would include your marital views and everything else?

At times when it’s bought up by my family, I feel like I can’t breathe. You know that anxious knot in your tummy that rises to your throat leaving you incapable of speaking? That feeling renders me speechless unable to say what I really feel.

I struggle with this a lot. The desire to speak my truth or live a peaceful life. Well, speaking my truth has won out because you know, you’re reading it. 

So, what’s led to this rant? My grandparents had set me up a while ago with a man from their temple. Initial thought: RUN FOR THE HILLS! NOOOOO!

I didn’t go running for the hills I went with it. Mostly because I felt like I had no choice really. OK, if I’m honest I did have a choice, but I chose to go down the path of least resistance and peace. Plus, I thought, maybe this would be the one. (FYI: I didn’t really believe this deep down, I was trying to convince myself this was a good idea). 

So, I met the guy. He was friendly, very talkative and nice enough. No physical attraction but hey these things grow right? Maybe, my family are right?

My head was saying: “You knew this was a bad idea from the start!”

My heart: “I don’t want to disappoint my grandparents.”

In any case, things did not progress with this gentleman, no surprise.

At one point, my grandad who I adore, who has the biggest heart, came around to check up on how things were going with this guy. I pushed aside the rising panic of, “Shit, what do I say?!” I could feel the pressure of expectation on me and felt trapped.

He asked me how things were going and encouraged me to keep talking to this guy. He finished with something along the lines of ‘‘Get married dear. We’re getting old and we want to see you married. We are waiting for this before we die’’. It was well intentioned. I know, he said it from his heart with no harm intended.  

But I had that sinking feeling in my stomach and a feeling of panic that rose up my chest up into my throat. I couldn’t breathe and felt trapped. I did not want to disappoint my grandparents and felt like I had already spent a life time disappointing people with my different life choices.

I know I am lucky and grateful that I have a family that cares for me and want me to be secure in the way they know. It comes back to me trying to be authentic and follow my heart. I constantly struggle with this, all the expectations, that my family want for me and cultural constraints.

It shouldn’t be so hard to be yourself, should it?!

Desi culture has always dictated that by a certain age you should be married with kids. I’m not against marriage or children. I’m open to marriage and I think it’s a beautiful union. However, I don’t think it’s the only way in life and I don’t believe it’s for everyone. Ditto with children. I love my nieces and nephews more than anything, yet If I don’t have any I am fine with that. 

Note to self: Do not go along with something for an easy life, always act with compassion but be firm in your beliefs. Misguided good intentions of being the good girl, to make your family proud and happy is never the right choice. Unless what they want is what you want too. 

*I wrote this blog a few years back. I’m 38 now and late in posting I know but it has genuinely taken me a lot of life lessons to finally have the confidence to share this publicly. Anyway, I have completely learnt my lesson. After the above experience I had one more arranged set up through my family. This experience was the worst by far – no more!

Amerdeep is pursuing her love of writing whilst working full-time and managing a fibromyalgia diagnosis. She is currently working on publishing a children’s book, healing her mind and body from illness and trauma. She is qualified in Reiki, Crystal healing and Creative Visualisation. Find out more on her Instagram blog page: @dipscribes or personal account @amerdeeps