Gaslighting has been a buzzword for the last few years. In fact, it was such a popular word that it was named as one of Oxford Dictionaries’ words of the year in 2018.
The term takes its name from the 1938 Patrick Hamilton play (and more famous film adaptations) in which a man dims the gas lights and then persuades his wife that she’s imagining it.
Gaslighting is now widely recognised as a serious form of psychological and emotional abuse that involves psychologically manipulating someone to make them doubt their own sanity and it doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships.
I’ve experienced it in friendships and it’s painful.
Dr Sarkis has dedicated a whole chapter to the phenomenon in Gaslighting: How to Recognise Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People… and Break Free. “The word frenemy comes to mind,” she writes. “Doesn’t this sound like your friendship with a gaslighter? He does things that really, really bother you, but you hang in there. You get nothing good from the friendship – likely because you got used to gaslighters early in your life and this seems normal. You might think, What would I do without this ‘friend’? Well, for starters, you would have a happier life!”
Sharing below Dr Sarkis’ tops tips for spotting gaslighting in friendships.
Gossiping
A gaslighter will wield gossip like a weapon. Gossip gives them a feeling of power and control over those around them.
They love to know that they have bits of information about other people that no one else has and that they can use this information to entertain others and to draw them in.
Pay attention to how your friends tell gossip. Are they concerned that a friend lost their job or do they revel in telling the story? Do they appear upset that a friends relationship is on the rocks, or are they entertained by the whole ordeal? Limit the personal information you disclose to the friend in question and challenge them when they gossip about someone else. Say, “I don’t know whether she would want me to know that,” change the subject and walk away.
Lying & Inciting Drama
If a gaslighter doesn’t have any gossip to share, they will simply make some up. They are not averse to lying if it brings them some entertainment and power within their social circles. They may embellish the truth or they might simply pull something out of thin air.
Gaslighting friends “love to see a fight, and get excited by the fact that they made the fight happen,” says Dr Sarkis. As such, they’ll feed you lies about what other people have said about you. “If gaslighters tell you someone said something about you, automatically assume it is false. Gaslighters have no problem lying, especially when it means having greater power over others. This is because if gaslighters don’t have anything to gossip about, they will make it up.” But don’t “take the bait”: simply say “oh” or “okay”, recommends Dr Sarkis. Not only is your “friend” trying to cause a fight, but they’re also trying “to isolate you from others”. She adds: “Gaslighters would love nothing more than for you to view them as your only friend.”
Befriending Those You Are Close To
The gaslighter will often go to great lengths to get close to those that you are close to. For example, they will get close to your partner, your sibling, your other friends, and soon enough they are telling you bits of gossip about your loved ones that you didn’t even know. They suddenly seem more powerful, more in control, and more all-knowing than anyone else.
Dr Sarkis believes gaslighter friends aren’t to be trusted with your spouse and will go to great lengths to “steal” them from you, “particularly if you have disclosed that you are having problems in your relationship. Whatever information you tell the gaslighters, they will use that to get your spouse hooked.” She recommends warning your spouse to expect extra attention from this toxic friend, but adds that, ultimately, whatever happens between them – if anything – is out of your control. “The gaslighter sees taking your partner as a game to be won. She doesn’t care about you, your spouse, or your relationship. She certainly doesn’t care about your feelings.”
What to do
Stay away or cut off contact
Restoring your life to normal is simple, according to Dr Sarkis. “If the gaslighter is a friend, your best bet, hard as it may be, is to cut all ties with them. This is usually the only way to get rid of the toxic influence of a gaslighter,” she concludes. “If you don’t, this person will continue to wreak havoc in your life – guaranteed. There is a small chance that the gaslighter will become preoccupied with someone else and drop you like a hot potato, but until then she will likely make your life drama filled. If that’s too hard tight now read on…
Act bored or ambivalent
Short of dramatically and abruptly cutting off ties with them, the best way to end the friendship is to be so boring and/or ambivalent that they walk away first, Dr Sarkis suggests. “Gaslighters love to get people stirred up. If you respond to gaslighters’ inflammatory remarks with ‘that might be true,’ ‘okay,’ and ‘maybe,’ they will soon become bored with you. If you act ambivalent or bored and fail to let them get a rise out of you, they will quickly move on.”
Never give anything to or borrow anything from them
Loaning or borrowing anything from a gaslighter – particularly money – is a disaster, Dr Sarkis says, and if you do so, expect to never see the item again. Simplify your life by avoiding this at all costs. “If the gaslighter gives you an item as a ‘gift,’ either say ‘No, thank you’ or, if you really must take it, be aware that it may come back to bite you. Gaslighters are famous for ‘gifting’ you something, then claiming that you stole it from them.” The gaslighter’s motivation here, Dr Sarkis believes, is their “need to get even with people who they feel have wronged them.”
If someone is chronically gaslighting you, it’s normal to feel frustrated, confused, hurt, and angry. It’s important to remind yourself that their actions are not your fault. Knowing how gaslighting works- and being mindful of the common gaslighting examples- can help you break free from this form of abuse.