Can You Truly Forgive?

“Psychologists define forgiveness as a deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.”  Greater Good Science Center

I was on a call last week and the subject of forgiveness came up. This is something I have struggled with as I have held onto the feelings of betrayal, rejection, injustice and feeling wronged. There is nothing easy about confronting negative emotions and I understand how some people go decades holding onto resentment and anger.

However, the penny dropped a few years go when I realised holding onto the pain was affecting me negatively.

One of the reasons why I have held on to a grievance for too long is the mistaken belief that I am letting the other person off the hook. By offering them forgiveness I am condoning their actions and behaviour. In fact, it’s not actually about the other person. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves by releasing those heavy emotions that weigh us down.

Three things that have helped me:

1.Consider the impact holding on to the grudge has on you.
How does it make you feel? How does it dictate what you do and when? Do you feel constricted by holding onto this grudge? I know I feel small and limited when I have held onto grudge for too long. How does it affect your behaviour and actions? What impact is it having on other relationships?

2. How would your life change if you released it.
How would your life change if you practiced forgiveness? What happened was in the past and cannot be changed, but by continuing to hold on to it, it will keep the grudge in the present and future for as long as you let it.  Perhaps it is not only affecting you but those around you. Consider how your relationships will change if you choose differently. How much richer, more peaceful and fulfilled will you feel if you release this?

3. Forgiveness is an active process.
As with anything that is significant and important forgiveness takes time and effort. Some of the actions that have helped me:

• Write a letter to the person / people you feel have wronged you (you don’t have to post it), why you are forgiving them and what impact it will have on you.

• Make a list of what forgiving them will result in your life: more joy, lightness, relief and healing.

• Reciting Ho’oponopono, an ancient Hawaiian practice for forgiveness and reconciliation. The phrases, which you can repeat in any order, silently to yourself or out loud, are:

1. I am sorry.
2. (Please) Forgive me.
3. Thank you.
4. I love you.

There are other forgiveness meditations online – Youtube has a few that you can listen to.

In The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky argues that whereas “preoccupation, hostility, and resentment that we harbour serve only to hurt us, both emotionally and physically”  research confirms that forgiving people are:

• Happier
• Healthier
• More agreeable
• More serene
• Better able to empathise with others
• More capable of reestablishing closeness in relationships

Who wouldn’t want those benefits?! I wish you healing and the ability to forgive with ease and generosity.

From my heart to yours,

Rupinder x