Dear Cancer…..By Bep Dhaliwal

On World Cancer Day Bep shares her open letter to Cancer and the experience it brought her.

Dear Cancer,

You have bought immense darkness into my life, pain I didn’t know was possible.

You came into my life in 2012, and turned my world upside down.  You had the audacity to show up in my husband’s blood as Lymphoma.  We’d only been married 18 months.

As a family we’d never had direct experience of Cancer, other than the fear it carries with it, the fragility of life it presents, the questions it brings – could this be it? Could my husband die? We hadn’t actually really started living yet……not yet……PLEASE!!!!!  

I’ve often been asked what’s it like when you hear such devastating news?  

It’s numbing, it zaps all your energy, you’ve got to a point in your life when you feel you have a level of control, a sense of what to do in most situations, but this…..this you can’t prepare for.  This takes your breath away, your body floods with fear responses, your legs go weak, you don’t know what safe is anymore, you don’t know how to exist anymore.  How do you step up into this new role of carer, wife of a Cancer patient? How could I protect him, take the pain away, look after him, keep him safe and keep you Cancer from destroying our lives? How could I do this?  I didn’t want to do this.  I didn’t know how?

But we got through it, day by day, sometimes, moment by moment, there were tears, there was laughter,  there was anger, there was frustration, there was a whole new appreciation of the wonder of life.  By being vulnerable we found our strength.

To celebrate the end of his treatment and him getting ready to go back to work, we went on holiday, craving a sense of normality at last.  On holiday, whilst sleeping in a different position, I found a lump in my breast.

No, no, no, this wasn’t happening!!  The fear rose, I saw the look on his face, but I was on holiday and you were NOT going to ruin these next few days!  I realise now that ‘Denial’ in that moment and for many months afterwards is my coping mechanism, and I let it be my shield, I allowed it to distance me from any sense of reality, just so I could cope, get through each day, each moment in survival mode, I couldn’t even begin to think how I’d process it, existing was all I was capable of in that moment.

Almost a year to the day of my husband’s diagnosis, you were confirmed as being present in my breast.  My mum had just had surgery for Bowel cancer, as a family we had had enough.  I wasn’t able to tell my parents about my diagnosis, as my mum was still in hospital, so we put a brave face on and we allowed Denial to walk this path with us, whilst facing the reality of What if? What if……I didn’t survive this?

Surgery, chemo, loss of hair, loss of dignity, loss of faith in my body – all of this took its toll on me. 

You stripped me bare, you broke me, but you also made me rise higher than I could ever have imagined, as you tested me, you tested my spirit, you tested my belief in who I was.  

Whilst I came out the other side of the Cancer journey a completely different person, I feel compelled to say Thank You for waking me up.  For allowing me to realise my worth, for empowering me to say No to parts of my life that weren’t serving me.  For making me realise that I matter.  

In 2019, you robbed me of my beloved dad, you ravaged his body, took his dignity, but afforded us precious time with him. You made me stop and be with my grief by showing up again in my body, 6 months later in the form of Endometrial cancer. 

Through the darkness you showed me the light & that light is how I choose to find a way to thrive everyday now, because of you, and to empower others to find their light too.  

The reality of Cancer:

Research shows that 1:2 will receive a cancer diagnosis at some point in their life. 

385,000 people are diagnosed with cancer each year.

On average someone is diagnosed with it every 60 seconds

Over 165,000 people die from cancer each year- it is the leading cause of avoidable death and the most common cause of death. 

Cancer is more common the older you get. 

Around 25% of people are living with long term consequences of their cancer or its treatment. 

Covid has had an impact in many people are presenting with much later disease which cannot be treated so easily. 

Today, on World Cancer Day, I want to ask you to consider what you can do to live your best life, today and every day? How can you truly thrive?  Cancer sadly will touch your life at some point, let’s cherish all that we have today, give thanks, celebrate, show kindness.   Let’s create healthy lives – healthy minds, healthy bodies.  Listen to what your body is saying to you, know what your ‘normal’ is and if anything doesn’t feel right – take action.  

This is your one precious life – make it one you’re proud of.

With love and grace, Bep X