Many Titles by Sukhi Rana

I have many titles or names, I am a daughter, a sister, mother and I was a wife.

To live a life under so many banners is much like the circus entertainer juggling so many balls. 

You constantly try to find an equal balance,  like calculating a chemical equation to gain equilibrium.

I often reflect on childhood and my journey.

I do not know how and why I am still here.

I think Faith has kept me going.

I am No3, not the lipstick shade. Just no3. The third daughter. I was different, dark, chubby, tall… I was very much the odd one out in childhood and even in marriage.

Never a choice, never good enough and rejected.

Again faith kept me grounded, gave me hope and light.

There were many times when the darkness would surround me like thick dense fog. But every time my heart and mind was tested I turned to my faith. My faith in humanity, being true to myself and believing in the purpose.

My Bibi Ji called me her Thanedaar, I think she was right, I never allowed anyone to talk ill of someone in my presence, I would fight for the truth and what was right. Even if it meant standing alone.

But my voice was silenced in marriage. The signs were there but I didn’t act, I was silenced. The day of the Roka when he grew angry and refused to talk to me because I did not eat from the same plate (I am a vegetarian, he knew that. He was having lamb)  

My Papa Ji was wise, days before the marriage another incident occurred and I told Papa Ji  I think I’ve made a mistake.

My Papa Ji said “Hajey kuch nahi bigareya, baad vich bigru ga”

“Nothing is lost yet, but much could be lost afterwards” 

Fear crept me… the fear of community and gossip so I got married.  It took 19 years for me to find my voice again.

Rupinder calls me a Sherni, I found my roar. My Inspire sisters saw me, heard me, valued me.

My roar has been tested, people feel you are in debt to them for the support they have given you. 

Very much like an accountant balancing the books. Balancing out their support and returning it with disrespect, insults and hypocrisy. Let’s just add disloyalty in for VAT.

But again when life brought me to my knees my Faith brought the warrior out in me. 

I visualised Baba Deep Singh Ji

I heard “ Jo to prem khilon ka chao, Sir dhar tale galee meri aayo”

If you wish to play the game of love, then come my way with your head on the palm of your hand. 

Meaning if you want to serve the almighty and serve humanity then be prepared to sacrifice yourself. A woman makes many sacrifices in her life, but one thing I was never willing to sacrifice was my Faith.

Sacrifice comes in different forms and can leave you feeling alone. When you sacrifice materialistic goods and relationships that do not serve you or your children you begin realise, you are not alone nor empty

You make room for light, you make head room for prayer, you welcome meaningful relationships. Your path is laid out in front of you, your faith gives you the strength to move forward, to trust and totally surrender.

Sukhi is a mother of 2.