Mothers & Daughters by Rajinder Kaur

When my sister and I were younger, every now and then our mum would open up a small briefcase that had some important documents and show us her exams results sheet from her school. She had kept it safe after all those years! At that age we were too young to understand that this piece of paper meant so much more to our mum than merely, as we’d naively thought, an epitome for her to ‘boast’ about her academic brilliance. Nonetheless, it was an amazing report, she had every right to!

Mum would always accompany the ritual with the story of how much she enjoyed studying, particularly science, in school and how she was not allowed to study further. As the story goes, a school teacher and a local nurse had also tried to persuade our Nanaji (mum’s father) about how gifted mum was and about the prospects of a bright career ahead if she continues studying. However, it wasn’t enough to bring him around to do the unconventional for those times in rural India, that is, to invest in the further education of a girl child.

Little did I know then that this repeated ‘show-and-tell’ by mum will hold so much significance in my own life years later and will serve as a catalyst in my academic and professional journey. 

Well, such is life, it presents you with many unknowns that unfold in their due course to shape your identity and self, and whatever you make of it. I certainly have a list of many things that I did not know – penning a few of my ‘unknowns’.

When I married at the age of eighteen, I did not know that I will miss academia so much. I was a homemaker for the first few years of my marriage and I read so many fiction and non-fiction books during that time. It was as if I was trying to create an illusion of studying.  So, although this casual reading was fun and did fill some gaps, I was aware that what I actually missed was having that sense of achievement, making some (academic) progress and having a goal. 

When my daughter was born, I did not know that the memory of our mum showing us her school grades will play back so often in my mind, only with a deeper understanding and meaning every time. I’m not sure if I was interpreting mum’s feeling better by then, or was just painting that memory with the colours of my own thoughts and emotions. 

Whatever the reason may have been, I understood by then that the weathering piece of paper was a constant reminder of mum’s potential and the likely prospects had she been given different opportunities. I realised it was also her wanting us to see her beyond her role as a mother and know that she was capable of much more. It was not just a validation of her academic brilliance, but more so of unfulfilled dreams and lost possibilities.

Mum’s intelligence, sensibility and brilliance was certainly beyond academia, and clearly evident in every walk of life.

She’d brought up two daughters in India as a single-parent for the majority of her life and providing us with undoubtedly the best she could! However, I believe had there been a backing for her education and career, she would not have had some of the many hardships she faced or the financial difficulties she had.

Equipped with this new insight and perspective now, I started taking the place of my mum every time I thought of the ‘show-and-tell’ and placed my daughter as the audience. I feared it would be me in a few years’ time, showing my daughter some paper evidence of how good I was in certain subjects (that’s all of them 😉), how much I enjoyed studying and also hoping that she sees me beyond my role as a mother.

However, the only and quite a big difference in my mum’s story and my story would be that I was responsible for my choices. I wasn’t living in a time or under circumstances that wouldn’t make it possible for me to study further. 

I knew I had to get out of my comfort zone as I had the resources to make it possible. Whilst I had my own dreams and aspirations, I felt I also had a responsibility to be a good role model for my daughter.

I wanted her to watch me take action to achieve my goals and not give up on my dreams so easily. 

What followed was years of hard work, grit and resilience … multi-tasking between studying remotely, running a business and being a mum to two beautiful children by then, as well as getting accustomed to the new life and culture in the UK (…deserves a separate blog on itself!). However, I did it! I completed BSc Hons in Computing and IT from the Open University, and I’m currently working as a Software Engineer in the industry. 

Today I want my daughter to know that she comes from a long line of intelligent and strong women. Although her ‘Nani’ lived in a different world, where it wasn’t possible for her to achieve all her dreams, she overcame a lot of hardships to build a good life for herself and her family. Her mother has tried to follow in the footsteps in her own way.

I hope my daughter continues to believe in herself and the strength she has inherited, face her ‘unknowns’ with courage and make it even further.

Rajinder is a UI Engineer and lives in the North with her family. You can connect with her on Linkedin.