“Life is tough my darling, but so are you” Stephanie Bennett Henry
Whenever I faced life’s challenges, I’d fixate on an affirmation which would appeal to the warrior in me!! I’d feel focused and stronger, as if I could put a mask on in front of the world and hide my pain. I felt I had control on my emotions and as long as I kept a lid on things… I’ll be fine!! I felt strong!
However, the reality was something different as I struggled with an eating disorder, severe insomnia, was on a concoction of sleeping tablets… downed with a bottle of Prosecco most nights! I was happy having black outs and going to bed, it meant I didn’t have to think, I didn’t have to be scared of violent or disturbing nightmares, or of the sleep paralysis.
My consultant told me the black outs were because I’d been overdosing on a high dose of medication with alcohol.
His exact words were “Miss Sehra, you’re lucky to be alive”
For best part of a year I’d have a recurring dream, this dream felt so real that at times I confused it with my reality.
I would be walking when suddenly my legs would give way. There would be a strong gravitation pulling me to the ground, whilst I’d use all my strength to keep myself standing! I would then shout telling myself:
“Kiran, don’t you dare collapse, no one will help you if you break down, GET UP NOW!” and with that prompt, I’d gather all my strength and slowly stand back up.
Truth was, life was getting more and more tough, unaware I was also in a relationship with a narcissist, my eating disorder got out of hand, Covid isolated me, my resilience was running thin but I still kept telling myself how strong I am!!
Dark thoughts began creeping in, I no longer wanted to be here… I was going into a new low, I was losing all hope to live and thought I’m brave enough to end it all.
One morning, I stood in front of a Guru’s photo, I was in a trance, having a conversation telling God “No more, no more heartache, no more trauma, no more pain, no more suffering, no more distress, I’ve had enough”. Time stood still as I felt a tear roll down my eye, then the other eye… followed by a flood of tears… moments later I connected the meaning of my reoccurring dream.
The message was never about being tough, it was about letting go, to surrender, to hand over my worries to the universe….I knew I’d reconnected to my faith in a bigger way, as fell on my knees and prayed with all my heart and soul, feeling the gratitude and love God has for me.
I could acknowledge that I have limited power and control over things and my real strength was in letting go, to release my grip and surrendering my need to figure everything out for myself!! Since that day, I’ve never had that recurring dream, and my journey to real self healing has truly began.
It’s a bitter sweet journey, but healing at the same time. Surrendering and accepting life is the key to growth, to my growth. Strange how a shift in perception can change the whole trajectory of your life. My consultant was right, I am lucky to be alive!
1 thought on “Surrender by Kiran Sehra”
Thank you for sharing your journey with us here Kiran. You are so right, a shift in perception can very quickly alter the state of our current reality. So glad that by surrendering to the Universe/God you have found greater peace and your true strength. Lots of love, Sadhna xx