While 2020 was the start of unprecedented times for the entire world, it was also the start of unprecedented growth for me. Over the course of the year, I had evolved in ways I could not even have imagined when it started. The pursuit of one’s full potential was quite seductive to the overachiever that I used to be. The underbelly of self evolution that I did not fully understand until I was in the thick of growth was the grief of letting go of an old version of me and the discomfort of outgrowing previous dreams. In tandem, the awakening of my intuition was quite uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful. It was no easy feat to parse that inner knowing apart from layers of social conditioning.
Just a few months into 2021, I started realizing that the company I was working for, once my dream company, was no longer the right fit for me. I had just switched into the final rotation in a three year rotation program and I had received a promotion, so the timing of this realization was anything but comfortable. I convinced myself to see the final rotation through before thinking about switching companies, but the Universe had other plans.
My final role in the program started out seemingly well with an opportunity to create something innovative that would truly make an impact. The disconcerting feeling that what I wanted had changed and no longer fit with the company lingered in the back of my mind. However, I proceeded to make the most of the opportunity in front of me. I fell into the age old advice to “just be grateful that you even have a job, especially during a pandemic”. I felt guilty for desiring something different. Several months into this role, my work situation took a sudden turn for the worse. My workload escalated, my performance soared, but my mental health took a plunge. I was stepping up, but at what price? Ultimately, my mental health cracked and I made the difficult decision to quit my cushy corporate role. To my surprise, the dominant emotion I felt after sending in my resignation was not anxiety but inner peace.
When I quit, I gave myself one month to get my mental health back on track. One month turned several months as my intuition guided me to sit with lessons instead of diving into a job search. One of these lessons is that my self worth is not tied to my employment status. It has been seven months since I quit, and I have had an existential crisis almost every two weeks due to being unemployed. I have worried hours on end about lack of progress, not having enough time to achieve all the things I want to, and how long my savings can sustain me. However, this time away from a job has been essential in detangling what I truly want from what I have been taught I should want. Every day I am learning to become more confident in the person that I am, the wisdom that I have, and the values that I cherish.
I am learning to stand in the power of my sovereignty.
Hand in hand with building my self worth has come learning how to surrender my agendas, timelines and desires to the Universe. Even as I started feeling the increasing tension of attaching myself to the timeline against the natural flow of my life, it was difficult to let go of the sense of control it gave me. The work environment and events leading up to quitting my job had traumatized me more deeply than I initially realized. This resulted in hypervigilance and fear around where my intuition might lead me next. I had to dig very deep to process this trauma and continue learning to trust my intuition. Additionally, I had to overcome the fear of facing deep wounds by courageously approaching them as opportunities to heal. Prior to quitting my job, I thought I had improved leaps and bounds in having faith, so this felt like a step backward. It actually was a prime example of how healing is never linear. Healing consists of seasons of momentum, back steps, and stillness – all equally essential to my journey.
Rest was essential to give me the space to process all the emotions and trauma from this experience and to integrate the resulting insights. At first, I found it challenging to rest due to a deeply conditioned belief that rest should be earned from being productive. I felt this silent pressure to be doing something meaningful with my time – traveling, taking self development courses, or investing more in personal hobbies – anything but resting.
Resting is a need; it does not have to be earned. Due to the deep discomfort of this healing process, part of me wanted to rush through it as if there was a destination of being “fully” healed waiting for me on the other end. Learning happens through healing; there is no shortcut nor some idyllic end to this path. The flavor of life lies in the process itself and discomfort is necessary for evolution.
The greatest wonder to me through this journey is that I have learned much more in the “being” of the past seven months than I have from “doing” for longer stretches of time. It is difficult to realize that you are running in circles if you never step away from the hamster wheel of hustle.
I am incredibly grateful for these past seven months because they have taught me to flow through life from a place of pleasure, self love, and joy. Even as I ease my way into aligned action towards the next step in my career, I hope to relish in the present over rushing into the future.
Anvita is a mental health advocate, storyteller, foodie and adventurous soul you can connect with her on Twitter.
1 thought on “The Great Resignation and Me by Anvita Jain”
Your write from the core Anvita. Taking the steps that you have moved you forward rather than backwards in your own personal journey of growth. How many us ,myself included, just continue to believe to carry on even if it makes you miserable as we have mortgages to pay and overheads to meet. Resignation shouldn’t necessarily be about giving up, it should thought more as about taking back.