I have been watching The Gilded Age recently. Period dramas are my thing and this one with all its grandeur and drama pulled me right in. But beyond the beautiful costumes and the opulent sets something deeper struck me. The conditioning women lived under during that era felt strangely familiar.
In The Gilded Age divorced women were quietly pushed out of polite society. Marriages were arranged for status and survival rather than love. Rules dictated how women spoke dressed and behaved. Even the smallest action was examined and judged.
And while the world looks very different today those old patterns still show up in the lives of many women. Especially South Asian women. Many of us grow up hearing the same messages. Put others first. Stay within the lines. Do not draw too much attention to yourself. Be dependable. Be selfless. Keep the family reputation intact. Prioritise harmony even when it costs you your voice.
These expectations weave themselves into our choices without us even realising. They shape how we show up in relationships careers and our own dreams. Often we do not understand how much conditioning we carry until we begin to unlearn it.
One rule I have unlearned is the belief that choosing myself is selfish. For years I felt guilty thinking about spending my birthday alone on a trip. The message was simple. Good women stay with their families. Good mothers do not take time away. Good daughters do not prioritise themselves.
But the first time I chose a solo birthday trip everything shifted. It felt liberating. It reminded me that joy and rest are not luxuries. They are needs. It reminded me that celebration is something I am allowed to give myself. That one choice helped me reclaim parts of myself I had quietly pushed aside.
Unlearning is uncomfortable but it matters. When we challenge the rules we inherited we make space for authenticity. We show the next generation of South Asian women that it is possible to live with both cultural pride and personal freedom. We create lives that feel fuller and truer rather than smaller and quieter.
Every woman has a rule she has had to unlearn. Maybe it is saying no without guilt. Maybe it is choosing rest without apology. Maybe it is allowing yourself to be seen in your ambition. Maybe it is stepping outside the roles you were expected to play.
So I will leave you with a question. What is one rule you have had to unlearn on your journey?