Grief Is Love’s Unwillingness To Give Up by Kiran Kaur Kondal

As defined by the Oxford dictionary:  ‘An intense feeling of romantic attachment based on an attraction felt by one person for another’.

Love has so many more variations than simply a romanticised love between the opposite sexes. 

In Sikhi we can look at the love that a son had for their father. Dhan Dhan Sri Guru Arjan Dev JI Maharaaj for their father, Sri Guru Ram Das Ji. Even as I write this my eyes fill with a deep longing and a warmth that I fail to describe. Arjan Mal was the youngest of Guru Ji’s sons. A separation from Guru sahib for a family wedding gave the opportunity of 3 letters being written to Guru Ram Das Ji, these letters were no ordinary letters.  They were the highest form of love letter ever to be penned. Reciting Shabad Hazaray expresses a deep sense of separation, a longing to be reunited with the supreme father and nothing, nothing can provide you any solace but this union which is an ultimate expression of love.  A 4th letter was written after the union of Arjan Mal and Guru Ram Das Ji. 

Which brings me back to Love. 

As I head into the 10th anniversary of my fathers death, a reminder that our physical bodies are given to us for a short period of time. These bodies are perishable and when the time comes they WILL return back to the elements after we have used up the breaths we are given in this life form. If I said I was stuck in the same sadness and grief I was in 10 years ago, I would be lying.  It is thus fairer to suggest that with any grief, not just mine, we long to see the deceased, very much, naively even, knowing that we will go through life at certain points having moments that hit us with the awareness they are never returning and the grief train arrives all over again. Is this love? I say it is. Grief is a form of love. It is not a one sided love.  It is not an unattainable love.  Grief is the love and the confusion of not knowing how to love those that have gone. Grief is love’s unwillingness to give up.  Grief is the realization that if I want to thrive I must be creative and find a new way to fulfill the connection that is lost. 

Did I lose a parent and gain a spiritual awakening, maybe I did, I don’t know.  A new found love that always existed, became stronger, maybe this is how my grief/love story thrives.  I think it does. There is so much depth in death that we can choose not to peel too far in, in case the last layer reveals something we can’t cope with. I did, because I needed to, for me and there it was…BHAROSA. The love was always there, it just looked different, the love was bharosa, a belief that ‘I am your wings should you forget to fly’. Oh my beloved Guru Sahib, how did I not know you loved me this much, how did I not know you were always there, how did I not know that death was ours together and not just mine. How did I not know? 

Our worldview consumes us. We think and feel every moment as if it is all that matters. Silly little people, not knowing there is so much more than this. I will always be a part of the ‘dead parent club’, just like many others before me and after and not just parent’s many other relations. This is our worldly karmic pain to bear. Let’s own it with love. Ha, there’s that word again. Yup we’re grieving with love. Our love story doesn’t end here; it has merely just begun. 

As a grieving child I realised as a parent it is my duty to arm my children with knowledge (fully stealing Basics Of Sikhi strapline here). I was never taught about death. It was a taboo subject very much like divorce I guess. We discuss death as a journey, not the end but the beginning. Who would have thought that the death of our pet bunnies at the end of last year could have given the children such a big life lesson. Profound. The emotions they experienced. The sadness. The stories they told after. This was all part of the love they had. It is at these key moments I was able to share what I would like to do after I pass. Ha…the unimaginable, but we’re all bound to go at some point so talking and normalising it through what happens after, well this is all part and parcel of our love journey. I love my children so I want them to be prepared. I love my husband, so I have written down the details of what I would like after my passing so there are no guesses, no confusion, just simply the gestures of love we have. 

I love myself enough to know that my time here will come to an end and that my people, whilst grieving are not left guessing. 

My grief story has made me who I am. It added layers to me I never knew existed, it provided me with support systems I never knew I needed, it provided me hope when I felt all was lost it gave me aasra when I was weak. 

Own your grief story and the love becomes a flame that is so powerful it will provide you and those near you with an everlasting warmth. 

Whatever you do today, wherever you are, tell yourself ‘I love you’! You are your own love story.

So is grief love’s unwillingness to give up, I think it is.  

ਮੇਰਾ ਮਨੁ ਲੋਚੈ ਗੁਰ ਦਰਸਨ ਤਾਈ ॥ ਬਿਲਪ ਕਰੇ ਚਾਤ੍ਰਿਕ ਕੀ ਨਿਆਈ ॥

ਤ੍ਰਿਖਾ ਨ ਉਤਰੈ ਸਾਂਤਿ ਨ ਆਵੈ ਬਿਨੁ ਦਰਸਨ ਸੰਤ ਪਿਆਰੇ ਜੀਉ ॥੧॥ ॥੧॥

My mind longs for the Blessed Vision of the Guru’s Darshan.

It cries out like the thirsty song-bird.

My thirst is not quenched, and I can find no peace,

without the Blessed Vision of the Beloved Saint. (1)

Shabad Hazaray Bani – SGGS Ang 96

If you are reading this, a quick reminder that if you are feeling frustration, guilt, anger, sadness and the mountain of emotions that come with the sorrow of grief, quite often buried deep under there is LOVE.

Kiran Kaur Kondal is a a Teacher & Deputy Head. She has previously wrote about about her father’s passing and the lessons it taught her here.