The Many Colours Of Life By Kiran Kaur Kondal

I was 29 years old when my dad passed away. 

It’s the first time I dealt with death. 

Really and truly felt death. 

It was my dad. 

My son was 2 and my daughter was 1. I went through a phase of just surviving. This was enough. This would get me through. I took a day at a time. Sleep was so distant. I was waking up and doing my Nitnem like my life depended on it. I turned to the only thing I knew was true and that was my faith. My Guru. My true father. 

There was this lingering emptiness, it would come and go, but when it came I felt so consumed by it. An appointment at the doctor’s (30 minutes)…ended with me being told that I had the symptoms of depression and that this was very common with grief, getting some support with my sleep would help me. I was given pills. 2 in the first month then to reduce down to 1 after. Thing is, I never reduced, I continued. Some heavy days I’d take 3. I knew it was wrong but wasn’t too fussed. I was getting repeat prescriptions I would just order over the phone without having to see the doctor. 6 months into being on these pills, I was asked to come in and see the doctor, I said some nonsense and the lovely doctor wrote my repeat prescription and off I went. In-between this period, life happened. I had pretty much closed myself off from the world. Sometimes I really wanted to be out, but the fear of being the unhappy person in others happy occasions weighed me down. 

I went to the Gurudwara. I went every day. Sometimes I went twice a day. This was home. This was comfort. Through Guru Sahib I felt connected to the realm beyond this world. What I realise now looking back, I was grieving.  I was deeply sad and deeply confused with my grief. I was not depressed. I displayed symptoms of depression, but I now KNOW this was grief that was showing up as depression.

The support network that is readily available now both online and offline, is something that I didn’t have as much access to 10 years ago. I was still on my sleeping pills and as I headed into the end of the year my father in law suffered a major heart attack whilst on a cruise with his friends in Italy.  The shock of him possibly not coming home, shook me to my core all over again.  My husband and family all flew to Naples to be with him. I was home with the kids and I learned a lesson of the divine will of the creator. 

My dad was supposed to pass when he did, how he did and at the most divine time. I understand this now, I accept this wholeheartedly now. I didn’t understand this then. My father in law becoming so ill so suddenly was another hurdle. I felt ready for this though. I knew he would come home soon and I knew this was my time to do his Seva. My Seva was destined for him not for my birth father. 

As I lay awake one night, praying that he would get the all clear so that our family would be together and the hope that we wouldn’t be on our own for the holidays my heart sank. The feeling of darkness swept me up and took me again. Could I face death again? Would it come knocking on our door again?….but this is it. Death is the biggest truth. It will knock on all our doors. So why were we not prepared for death. Why was this not talked about. Why do we hide from it?

The family all returned from Naples after my father in law was given the all clear to fly. They would be home for the holidays and I would ensure that we made the best of this period. 

In the stress of everything, I had actually forgotten to order my repeat prescription. I ordered them, they were at the pharmacy. Funnily enough, as I was heading into the end of the year, the end of my 20’s ahead of me…I didn’t want to start a new decade without my dad.  I couldn’t stop it though. Before the year ended, I realised I had missed a period. Which was pretty normal. They would come and go as they please, pretty common I was told by the doctors, a sign of depression I was told. I have no idea why, but I did a pregnancy test, it was positive, I was in complete awe and shock. I did another just to make sure, then another, after 3 positives I think it was clear what was ahead of me.  

I was so profoundly in awe of Guru Sahib who had taken life but had now given life. The duality of life and death had overcome me and this little baby had become such a beacon of hope for me and all my family.

Needless to say, my 30’s have been full of many ups and downs but as I head into my 39th year, I am aware of where I was 10 years ago and where I am now. I accept. I release. I am honoured. I am thankful. I am grateful. I am fulfilled. 

Also…the prescription never got picked up. I couldn’t after I found out I was pregnant. This was the divine play. Or maybe a little message from my dad. 

I spent much time fighting my feelings and emotions that I had gotten lost with who I was and what my purpose was at times. I was lucky this little ray of light had changed my purpose and…although life doesn’t always give you reasons to smile, I choose to smile always. 

Guru Sahib is the giver of colours…our life is full of an assortment of colours, some bright, some dull…but these colours, they make our life what it is. If the colours are dull, I will accept and try and find a palette to mix them up. 

So, for the last year in my 30’s I make a promise to myself to be my own colour palette, my own mixer and leave my creator to pick the colours they feel I need. 

This is a small edit of the past 10 years…more to come in Feb should Guru Sahib allow.

Kiran is a Deputy Head of Sixth Form, mother of three, wife to Daddy Kondal’s Kitchen.